The book I finished yesterday took me a little over a week to read (quite long by my standards) but I need to remind myself that there have been a lot of changes to my lifestyle that I have implemented this past 9 days. I read Running Like A Girl by Alexandra Hemingsly. Not only did she re-inspire me to lace-up and get out there, she made me laugh! Literally laugh-out-loud at some parts.
"Feels as natural as having a quick baby while you're asking the pharmacist where the shampoo aisle is."
"My scrappy list of questions and medical vocabulary that wouldn't put a 6-year-old to shame."
She is hilarious. And normal. And a Brit to boot. Follow her on twitter for more inspiration (@hemmo)
The book I started and finished today (in about 1.5 hours, much more up to speed) was The Reason I Jump by Naoki Higashida. In a series of over 50 questions that I can only assume are FAQs or were posed by his teacher/dictate-e, Naoki answers (mostly) honestly and (entirely) fascinatingly. He allows 'normal' [sic] people into the minds of autistic people, or when appropriate, specifically into the way his mind works. What you discover, though, is that the effects of autism are not really in the mind, but in the body.
MIND. BLOWN.
In addition to truly helpful tips (speaking about using visual schedules "People with autism may look happier with pictures and diagrams of where we're supposed to be and when, but in fact we end up being restricted by them." Q.56) he explores human nature (Speaking of the difficulties he faced with communicating, even through this specialized way, "What kept me hammering away at it was the thought that to live my life as a human being, nothing is more important than being able to express myself." Q1). How truly magnificent a thought. And the beauty lies within the reflection: I take my ability to express myself so for granted! Beyond verbal communication I can write (hello! blog!) and don't even get me started on my music. Lord.
Needless to say this book has reinvigorated me for if/when I get a new school job. I cannot wait to provide a means of expression, and sense of freedom, and hopefully a feeling of safety that Noaki explains is so difficult to find.
Shifting gears, I cannot believe that I forgot to share the update on my weight-in on Tuesday. Due to Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve both falling on Tuesdays, and my work/lessons schedule, I was unable to attend meetings and weigh-in for the past 2 weeks. This was OK, because I wanted to allow myself the freedom to enjoy the social aspects of the holidays without being a stick-in-the-mud or party-pooper. (Dealing with my fear of this is another day another dollar.) So I enjoyed myself, in moderation, but without offending anyone. Needless to say, I was hesitant to get on a scale Tuesday. I told myself I would simply attend the meeting and get re-inspired for the next week. But by the time I drove myself out there (on the coldest day I have ever lived through, I do not exaggerate [for once].) I reminded myself that whether or not I get on the scale, it won't change how much I weight, or how much I need to lose to catch back up. I might as well know what the number is so I can be realistic about the plan moving forward.
Lord, if my jaw didn't just hit the floor. I lost 2.8 pounds over the holidays!
HOW. THE. HECK.
I tell you it must be a combination of having just started running again (shocking my metabolism into waking -up) and the WW lifestyle having actually sunk in for me to say no to a lot more than I thought I did. Whatever the cause, I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth. WHOOP!
Lastly, I saw my therapist today for the first time in a long time. When I sat down, I wasn't sure that there was very much to talk about. Primarily, I've been spilling my guts here. But I've also been talking a lot more openly with J and feeling better about life in general. And that's awesome! It means that these things I'm doing are good things. I should keep them up, because they work.
But we did talk. And there are still things in my relationship that could use attention. More importantly, there are still things about ME that could use attention. It began with my inability to trust J's love for me. Despite constant verbal affirmations that he loves me, he thinks I'm beautiful, etc.... it just doesn't click in my head. Logically I know what he's saying and I know it is improbable that he is lying. Statistically I know that he would have already left me if he was going to. Yet,even as I type those things, a nagging voice in my head questions the validity of those statements. And that was me hedging my argument! Imagine if I let that voice have the mic! A barrage of self-deprecation and verbally ripping my self-confidence to shreds. And I have to fight that voice, it is a battle each and every day. Frequently throughout the day. Maybe tomorrow I'll keep track of how many times I catch myself self-hating. That would be an eye-opening experience. Much like the first time someone wears a pedometer. Since I have been seeing Sara, my strength in fighting that battle has definitely grown. It is much easier now to convince myself that I am worth something (love, respect, the time of day, etc.) but it is still a battle.
Sara, my mom, B, our couples therapists, they all think that taking medication may help. Maybe it will help by preventing some of the battles from cropping up. I'm open to trying it. I'm so scared of dependency, or side-effects affecting other accomplishments (weight-loss, finally getting healthier skin, etc), that for a long time I have pointedly avoided it. I'm sure every Tom, Dick, and hairy Larry have an opinion on this (many I have heard) but I have to do what's right for me. Not you, or your sister, or your mother... ME.
So I took the time tonight to do some research. What I found was frightening reviews. So I'm just going to go with my Dad's and if that doens't work, the other doctor in his practice.
Post Script: I also had a big girl moment and figured out who my new primary care physician will be, next is dentist! Sadly with all of this on my mind today I did not make dinner (I'm sure this disappointed J) but he rose to meet the occassion and brought home Pizza from Whole Foods. *Le Yum.*
I need to do yoga at some point tonight, but J wants to put kill/take down Christmas. :[
Love,
Brooke
No comments:
Post a Comment