Running Again

Today I hit the pavement again after a WHOLE ENTIRE MONTH off to let my plantar fasciitis heal. My doctor said I only needed to rest a week and half but I wanted to be SURE. 

I also allowed myself the luxury of starting off low and slow so that I wouldn't develop PF again. So today I only ran 20 min. And remember, I ALWAYS devote my first and last five minutes to warm up and cool down respectively. So really it's like I only ran 10 minutes. 

And you know what? I'm not ashamed! This is the choice I had to make to have healthy happy feet. I'm going to run every other day for this whole month. I'm not using a training plan YET but I'm working my way back up to the level of the training plan I will be using. 

You see, I've signed up for the Richmond half marathon in November, and I'm so excited!! It's really far away so if I don't want to peak too early, I've got to take it easy and gradually work my way through the training plan.

In other news I've now switched to a different medics, Z and upped my dosage. Today is my fifth day on it and while I fought a headache yesterday (side effect) I have noticed a slight trend of ease starting to happen. It seems as if less things are requiring me to self talk and boost myself up. I don't want to speak to early, but for the first time I can say I think it's going to happen for me. 

That is a hugely hopeful and powerfully optimistic statement.

Yay!!

Lastly, my weigh-ins have NOT been good. Maybe that's a side effect of the drug, but before I can decide, I want to really REALLY buckle down and track everything and especially stop myself from going over my daily target. 

So far I've been even or under by 1 the last 3 days, and I've been tracking pretty faithfully. This is good!! Along with my renewed running activities I have faith that my weigh in will be down! 

And if it isn't, then we know it's the drug and we need to find a different one.

Well that's about it. Check out Pepper's blog for my adaptation to brownies that make them easier to control.

See you all later!

Love,

B

Richmond's Monument Avenue 10k

Saturday I ran the Monument 10k! 

It's a huge richmond tradition and I was so happy to be a part of it! There were more than 40,000 runners registered!! Some of those people may have stayed in (I know of two!!!) because it was rainy. But that didn't stop me! I love running in the rain! The trick is to wear contacts (until they invent mini windshield wipers), dress in layers, and this is the big one... Wear TWO PAIRS OF SOCKS! When one gets wet it rubs against you. When two get wet they rub against each other!!! Boom!! I guess I do have another tip, French braid your hair. I always do this, but I especially don't need any flyaways or a rogue ponytail when it's all going to stick to my face. Ew.

So I had a strained tendon from over stretching the Tuesday prior. In case you're interested it was my Peroneous Brevis Tendon. Starts at your ankle bone and goes outside your foot to the middle bone that sticks out. If you turn your feet in to touch one another you'll feel the stretch. Now I have Plantar Fasciitis, so imm familiar with treatment, etc. so I knew to stay off it and ice it. That meant no training leading up to the race. That's ok, I knew I could run 6 miles, I've done it several times. 

So I just went out there Saturday morning pumped up and super excited. I ran the race and still managed to shave 2 minutes off my time!!! That's awesome!!! Thankfully the rain was just misty during my run. It didn't pick up until I was at the finish line waiting for my friend.

After the race we got an amazing brunch at River City Diner. I'm hoping to have them cater the wedding!!!! I got my favorite: French toast with dy scrambled eggs and corned beef hash well done! Yum!! I can't believe that I almost finished all of that! At least I was good and started with my protein (eggs) before splitting the time on the rest of the stuff (carbs and fats). I also ate everyone else's pickles before my own breakfast so that counts as veggies! Hah!

Then J and I went home and took a TWO HOUR NAP. Can't believe we slept that long! Perfect napping weather, thunderstorming the whole afternoon. We  wook up around 5 and arranged a Takeout dinner Chinese for me, soul food for him. (Perfect after a lazy day!!!) 

Around 9 we went down to The Portrait House in Carytown to celebrate our friends 24 birthday. (Gah we're getting old!) it was a pretty late night for us. Luckily we took a nap to charge those batteries! We had a great time. Loved seeing our friends. 

The rest of the weekend was nice and chill. I had to work Sunday and it was another rainy day. 

So that's our weekend! Pretty awesome! 

Get ready for spring!!!

Love,

B

The Good Kind of Busy

Today I hit the ground running. 

We'll not really. I commend myself for now pressing snooze, that is an improvement!!! But if we're being honest (and hello, that's the point) I did sit in my bed for approximately 5 to 15 minutes this morning. As usual. It's my time to check on what happened overnight on Facebook and email, etc. (not surprisingly, it's never much) and check the weather.

Ever since I was little I always have had a fascination with weather. I check it constantly and I always look at radar and numbers. I mean, dew point accounts for a lot people!

Anyway, when I did finally get my bum out of bed, I admitted to myself that I should just account for that time and wake up earlier. We'll see how that works. But the admittance is a good step.

I got ready for work and drank my premixed smoothies (one of my accomplishments from yesterday), then rolled in to work right on time. 

I plowed through work eating my usual 10 points or so. Hit up the grocery stores and gas on my way home. When I got home, I planted some herb boxes I've had sitting around for quite sadly literally a year (we'll see if they actually sprout). Then I donned my running gear and stupidly went out for a 6 miler. In my new prescription sunglasses. 

Obviously it started raining as I hit 3 miles and turned around. This is also when smart me decided to do the math of my pace per mile and I realized that I had to put the petal to the metal. I quite literally ran into the house grabbed car keys water and got in the car to drive to my piano lessons. 

I would have made it on time too, if I hadn't taken an exit too early and had to ride the clovers to get back on the highway. 

When I was done teaching their lessons I picked up my prescriptions and headed home. Of course I didn't grab a jacket so I was freezing in the sleet. When I got home I did a nice hour of yoga to de-ice my muscles from 2 hours after my longest run in 4 months. 

This was very relaxing until J came home and proceeded to ask me questions. He finally took the hint and went upstairs. It was at the exact moment of Shavasana (the closing of practice, focusing on meditation usually) that he decided to play drums. *sigh*

I hopped in a shower and by the time I was done I had to run to get to my WW meeting on time. 

Sadly I missed an opportunity to eat out with the in-laws, I left my phone at home and missed a text from J telling me about the change of plans. 

The good news is that I lost 1.6 lbs in the, ahem, 4 weeks I have missed of weigh ins. Yay!!!

I picked up my phone, called in my take out dinner, grabbed it and ate 2/3 in the next 40 min. I was hungry!

You have seen I didn't eat my usual intake AND I exercised a lot. So I was starving! I don't recommend this. It's so much harder to hear your body when it tells you that it is full. 

Then ms pep and I got ready for bed. Now J is home, but he's watching a soccer game so I'm going to bed on my own. It's very weird.

So busy days aren't always bad! This one helped me lose weight and keep focus on the things I wanted to acommplish. Even if it seemed like the world was conspiring against me, I just let it roll off my back and trudged on through. And now as I look back on my day I am so proud of myself!! Even for the little things like not pressing snooze! And especially for acceptance of things I still need to improve. 

What a wonderfully busy and accomplished day!

Namaste!

Love,

B

Marriage

Is what brings us together today.

But seriously. After a long morning in cold windy soccer games J and I decided to take a nap and relax during the rain. As I lay there trying to fall asleep a thought suddenly dawns on me. 

I don't know why I didn't think of this before. But I guess it finally sank in that J and I are going to be married in a year. It was a bit scary for a second that it was finally happening, but while I was assessing my feelings my thoughts drifted to Jason's and I wondered if he has fully realized this too. 

What was I thinking? Of course! That's what took him so long in the first place. All those years of me cajoling and coercing him into proposing and he held off. He waited until HE was ready, when all along I was the one that wasn't looking inward and checking my own readiness. 

That means go me at least that he has chosen me. He picked me. Forever. To be his and be with him. As I am. 

This is huge and truly meaningful to me. I guess you could say this is one of few times (if not the first time) that I have truly felt the depth of his love for me. And he's asleep through the whole thing!

Now I am even MORE excited to marry him. To seal our love and testify our commitment. It's the prefect relationship for us. Lately I've had moments that I have to just stare at him and say "wow, that is why you are my soulmate." 

Now I'm going to try to go to sleep, but if you ever hear me griping about him or questioning his feelings, please feel free to direct my attention to this quiet nap in a rainy afternoon. 

That day I knew he loved me. 

Love,

B

Spring has Sprung (for a few days before it snows again)

Today I moved my two (apparently) huge peony plants from the side of our house that gets ZERO sun to the side of our driveway, where they will get lots of sun!!! It was a very long, very dirty, very arduous process. I had to dig the new holes (which was the easy part!) then dig up the plants and haul them across the yard. Then I found out the holes were not big enough (either time, because you know, of course they aren't the same size.) and I had to quickly expand them. I also put a new bulb in the middle which SHOULD be a bright red, so I'll have my old pink and white and a new tiny red. I was planning on putting in some shade loving bulbs in the holes I left but frankly, I had already spent 3 hours on this and my hand was sore. Because I had done all of this with a hand trowel. So I left it for a mother day and doused the newly buried bulbs in water. 

Then I did an AWESOME 1 hour yoga practice and Jason is bringing home Cookout. Yay!!!

Feeling better, we'll get to that later.

Love, B

H2O

So water. 

Have you ever cried in the shower? Have you ever thought about crying in the shower? Have you ever held a cry in until a shower?

Maybe because the tears mix into the spray and the steam and soap. It's almost invisible. It's almost as if you aren't crying at all. 

Maybe you've noticed that the water running into your mouth tastes salty. Maybe you feel the snot dripping down your nose. Maybe you see darkness from clenching your eyes shut from unbearable thoughts. Maybe you hear heart wrenching sobs wrack your body and you hold onto the shower wall for support.

Maybe you collapse on the floor and curl into a ball because the warmth of the shower is the only comfort you can comprehend.

Have you thought of this?

Have you been there?

I was there tonight and so many things were racing through my mind. Some prayers to god: please let me be prettier so people will think I am enough. Please let my family notice me. Please let my fiancé care more. Please let me accept myself. Please let me appreciate what I have. Please let my sister love me. Please let my father love me. Please let people see me. Please let people hear me. 

Some weak attempts at reconstructing myself so I can finish the shower. Which I promptly laugh off because I am not pretty enough. I am not nice enough. I am not smart enough. I am not generous enough. I am not worthy enough. I am not worthy. I am not enough.

Then I admit that at some point I will need to get out of the shower and face the darkness of my bedroom and sleep. So I sing.

A very shaky somewhere over the rainbow. Then a little stronger let it go. I end with wrecking ball. 

I finish bathing and get out and I still can't face the infinite thoughts of trying to go to bed. So here I am. Blogging in a steamy bathroom. Working up the courage to face my pillow.

Needless to say, the 10mg does not appear to be enough. 

Date Night?!?!?!

I try really hard to keep the rule, "Don't ever let anyone hear you speak badly about your husband." And maybe this isn't so much about speaking badly of J, but instead about voicing my needs. My need to have my needs be met. I'm just so FRUSTRATED.

It has frequently been a concern that I have set the bar too high for my expectation of what date night could be. It's hard not to make a direct correlation to the amount of money that he is UNWILLING to spend on our relationship and on ME... to how much or NOT he values me. I know he loves me... but there is a point when I've been telling myself for months on end that "I am good enough. I am worthy." and other affirmations... but am I the only one who thinks that? Doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of this whole battle, of the affirmations? If the things my fiance  says and does are telling me that I am NOT worth a $70 french dinner, I am NOT worth a $5 latte, I'm not even worth a 10 minute drive to Krispy Kreme on a lazy Sunday morning. Which voice do I trust? As if! More like which voice is LOUDER. More constant. More insistent. I can't keep CONVINCING myself that I am worthy of X when I'm not worthy of Y. I'm not worthy of anything. I'm worthless.

I just feel so alone. He left to go get pizza because he doesn't even want to pay $3 delivery fees. Like the pleasure of spending 15 minutes with me relaxing isn't even worth $3. And we just sat here for at least an hour working out the kinks in our budget. SERIOUSLY grinding it. And we now know for sure how TIGHT things are. But that's the POINT of a freaking budget. We know how much we have spent... that leads us to make an educated estimate of how much it will continue to cost. Then we add those totals all up... and subtract that from what we bring in each month. And yes, it's tight. It's a $23 surplus. But that's due to the fact that we were incredible thorough. We have to be. He's a manic about money. He got anxious because of our date night... a prescribed amount that we had budgeted. And he wanted to take me to a MEXICAN RESTAURANT. Which is OK really it is.. every once in a while. Like if on a freak weekend when he found out he had to replace his windshield and we hadn't budgeted for it, I would understand. But this is the par that he has been making our date nights. I don't know about you but I've never once walked into a Mexican restaurant and said "Well this is romantic." I've never once finished a Mexican dinner and thought, wow, I feel special. I feel cherished. I feel valued. I was GOING to keep my mouth shut, grin and bear it so to speak. But I've been working on my affirmations. I've been fighting this battle. I've been TELLING myself that I deserve to be happy, and I won't get there if I don't ask for it. So I asked for it. I asked for him to think about the possibility that he might take me somewhere nice every one or two Saturdays in a few (this would be the umpteenth time I have asked). Not every Saturday... but not once a year. I just want to know that if there IS IN FACT a limit to how much I'm worth to him... it may be relatively high. Not that Mekong (my original suggestion for dinner, for the past 4 weeks) is the cap of how much he is willing to spend on our date night. And not even that because we have yet to go. And that isn't even a restaurant that I picked for my own pleasures. and it's too expensive. God forbid I want to go to Can Can or Lemaire.

So he stormed off to go get pizza that we ended up ordering for our "Date Night" after spending an hour on our budget. He was gone for like 30 min. He came back "with dessert" so I have hope that he feels bad about the conversation and how he left it and I know this is how he wants to make it up to me. But I would rather us TALK ABOUT IT than eat our way to happiness in sugar and fat. How about we talk about what he was so pissed off about, or maybe we can talk about why he is afraid to spend the money that we have budgeted and allocated. Or instead, lets talk about what I'm REALLY worth to him. Because if I'm "priceless" it's coming across as "worthless."


Sorry for the rant.

UGH