Date Night?!?!?!

I try really hard to keep the rule, "Don't ever let anyone hear you speak badly about your husband." And maybe this isn't so much about speaking badly of J, but instead about voicing my needs. My need to have my needs be met. I'm just so FRUSTRATED.

It has frequently been a concern that I have set the bar too high for my expectation of what date night could be. It's hard not to make a direct correlation to the amount of money that he is UNWILLING to spend on our relationship and on ME... to how much or NOT he values me. I know he loves me... but there is a point when I've been telling myself for months on end that "I am good enough. I am worthy." and other affirmations... but am I the only one who thinks that? Doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of this whole battle, of the affirmations? If the things my fiance  says and does are telling me that I am NOT worth a $70 french dinner, I am NOT worth a $5 latte, I'm not even worth a 10 minute drive to Krispy Kreme on a lazy Sunday morning. Which voice do I trust? As if! More like which voice is LOUDER. More constant. More insistent. I can't keep CONVINCING myself that I am worthy of X when I'm not worthy of Y. I'm not worthy of anything. I'm worthless.

I just feel so alone. He left to go get pizza because he doesn't even want to pay $3 delivery fees. Like the pleasure of spending 15 minutes with me relaxing isn't even worth $3. And we just sat here for at least an hour working out the kinks in our budget. SERIOUSLY grinding it. And we now know for sure how TIGHT things are. But that's the POINT of a freaking budget. We know how much we have spent... that leads us to make an educated estimate of how much it will continue to cost. Then we add those totals all up... and subtract that from what we bring in each month. And yes, it's tight. It's a $23 surplus. But that's due to the fact that we were incredible thorough. We have to be. He's a manic about money. He got anxious because of our date night... a prescribed amount that we had budgeted. And he wanted to take me to a MEXICAN RESTAURANT. Which is OK really it is.. every once in a while. Like if on a freak weekend when he found out he had to replace his windshield and we hadn't budgeted for it, I would understand. But this is the par that he has been making our date nights. I don't know about you but I've never once walked into a Mexican restaurant and said "Well this is romantic." I've never once finished a Mexican dinner and thought, wow, I feel special. I feel cherished. I feel valued. I was GOING to keep my mouth shut, grin and bear it so to speak. But I've been working on my affirmations. I've been fighting this battle. I've been TELLING myself that I deserve to be happy, and I won't get there if I don't ask for it. So I asked for it. I asked for him to think about the possibility that he might take me somewhere nice every one or two Saturdays in a few (this would be the umpteenth time I have asked). Not every Saturday... but not once a year. I just want to know that if there IS IN FACT a limit to how much I'm worth to him... it may be relatively high. Not that Mekong (my original suggestion for dinner, for the past 4 weeks) is the cap of how much he is willing to spend on our date night. And not even that because we have yet to go. And that isn't even a restaurant that I picked for my own pleasures. and it's too expensive. God forbid I want to go to Can Can or Lemaire.

So he stormed off to go get pizza that we ended up ordering for our "Date Night" after spending an hour on our budget. He was gone for like 30 min. He came back "with dessert" so I have hope that he feels bad about the conversation and how he left it and I know this is how he wants to make it up to me. But I would rather us TALK ABOUT IT than eat our way to happiness in sugar and fat. How about we talk about what he was so pissed off about, or maybe we can talk about why he is afraid to spend the money that we have budgeted and allocated. Or instead, lets talk about what I'm REALLY worth to him. Because if I'm "priceless" it's coming across as "worthless."


Sorry for the rant.

UGH