H2O

So water. 

Have you ever cried in the shower? Have you ever thought about crying in the shower? Have you ever held a cry in until a shower?

Maybe because the tears mix into the spray and the steam and soap. It's almost invisible. It's almost as if you aren't crying at all. 

Maybe you've noticed that the water running into your mouth tastes salty. Maybe you feel the snot dripping down your nose. Maybe you see darkness from clenching your eyes shut from unbearable thoughts. Maybe you hear heart wrenching sobs wrack your body and you hold onto the shower wall for support.

Maybe you collapse on the floor and curl into a ball because the warmth of the shower is the only comfort you can comprehend.

Have you thought of this?

Have you been there?

I was there tonight and so many things were racing through my mind. Some prayers to god: please let me be prettier so people will think I am enough. Please let my family notice me. Please let my fiancé care more. Please let me accept myself. Please let me appreciate what I have. Please let my sister love me. Please let my father love me. Please let people see me. Please let people hear me. 

Some weak attempts at reconstructing myself so I can finish the shower. Which I promptly laugh off because I am not pretty enough. I am not nice enough. I am not smart enough. I am not generous enough. I am not worthy enough. I am not worthy. I am not enough.

Then I admit that at some point I will need to get out of the shower and face the darkness of my bedroom and sleep. So I sing.

A very shaky somewhere over the rainbow. Then a little stronger let it go. I end with wrecking ball. 

I finish bathing and get out and I still can't face the infinite thoughts of trying to go to bed. So here I am. Blogging in a steamy bathroom. Working up the courage to face my pillow.

Needless to say, the 10mg does not appear to be enough.