The Good Kind of Busy

Today I hit the ground running. 

We'll not really. I commend myself for now pressing snooze, that is an improvement!!! But if we're being honest (and hello, that's the point) I did sit in my bed for approximately 5 to 15 minutes this morning. As usual. It's my time to check on what happened overnight on Facebook and email, etc. (not surprisingly, it's never much) and check the weather.

Ever since I was little I always have had a fascination with weather. I check it constantly and I always look at radar and numbers. I mean, dew point accounts for a lot people!

Anyway, when I did finally get my bum out of bed, I admitted to myself that I should just account for that time and wake up earlier. We'll see how that works. But the admittance is a good step.

I got ready for work and drank my premixed smoothies (one of my accomplishments from yesterday), then rolled in to work right on time. 

I plowed through work eating my usual 10 points or so. Hit up the grocery stores and gas on my way home. When I got home, I planted some herb boxes I've had sitting around for quite sadly literally a year (we'll see if they actually sprout). Then I donned my running gear and stupidly went out for a 6 miler. In my new prescription sunglasses. 

Obviously it started raining as I hit 3 miles and turned around. This is also when smart me decided to do the math of my pace per mile and I realized that I had to put the petal to the metal. I quite literally ran into the house grabbed car keys water and got in the car to drive to my piano lessons. 

I would have made it on time too, if I hadn't taken an exit too early and had to ride the clovers to get back on the highway. 

When I was done teaching their lessons I picked up my prescriptions and headed home. Of course I didn't grab a jacket so I was freezing in the sleet. When I got home I did a nice hour of yoga to de-ice my muscles from 2 hours after my longest run in 4 months. 

This was very relaxing until J came home and proceeded to ask me questions. He finally took the hint and went upstairs. It was at the exact moment of Shavasana (the closing of practice, focusing on meditation usually) that he decided to play drums. *sigh*

I hopped in a shower and by the time I was done I had to run to get to my WW meeting on time. 

Sadly I missed an opportunity to eat out with the in-laws, I left my phone at home and missed a text from J telling me about the change of plans. 

The good news is that I lost 1.6 lbs in the, ahem, 4 weeks I have missed of weigh ins. Yay!!!

I picked up my phone, called in my take out dinner, grabbed it and ate 2/3 in the next 40 min. I was hungry!

You have seen I didn't eat my usual intake AND I exercised a lot. So I was starving! I don't recommend this. It's so much harder to hear your body when it tells you that it is full. 

Then ms pep and I got ready for bed. Now J is home, but he's watching a soccer game so I'm going to bed on my own. It's very weird.

So busy days aren't always bad! This one helped me lose weight and keep focus on the things I wanted to acommplish. Even if it seemed like the world was conspiring against me, I just let it roll off my back and trudged on through. And now as I look back on my day I am so proud of myself!! Even for the little things like not pressing snooze! And especially for acceptance of things I still need to improve. 

What a wonderfully busy and accomplished day!

Namaste!

Love,

B

Marriage

Is what brings us together today.

But seriously. After a long morning in cold windy soccer games J and I decided to take a nap and relax during the rain. As I lay there trying to fall asleep a thought suddenly dawns on me. 

I don't know why I didn't think of this before. But I guess it finally sank in that J and I are going to be married in a year. It was a bit scary for a second that it was finally happening, but while I was assessing my feelings my thoughts drifted to Jason's and I wondered if he has fully realized this too. 

What was I thinking? Of course! That's what took him so long in the first place. All those years of me cajoling and coercing him into proposing and he held off. He waited until HE was ready, when all along I was the one that wasn't looking inward and checking my own readiness. 

That means go me at least that he has chosen me. He picked me. Forever. To be his and be with him. As I am. 

This is huge and truly meaningful to me. I guess you could say this is one of few times (if not the first time) that I have truly felt the depth of his love for me. And he's asleep through the whole thing!

Now I am even MORE excited to marry him. To seal our love and testify our commitment. It's the prefect relationship for us. Lately I've had moments that I have to just stare at him and say "wow, that is why you are my soulmate." 

Now I'm going to try to go to sleep, but if you ever hear me griping about him or questioning his feelings, please feel free to direct my attention to this quiet nap in a rainy afternoon. 

That day I knew he loved me. 

Love,

B

Spring has Sprung (for a few days before it snows again)

Today I moved my two (apparently) huge peony plants from the side of our house that gets ZERO sun to the side of our driveway, where they will get lots of sun!!! It was a very long, very dirty, very arduous process. I had to dig the new holes (which was the easy part!) then dig up the plants and haul them across the yard. Then I found out the holes were not big enough (either time, because you know, of course they aren't the same size.) and I had to quickly expand them. I also put a new bulb in the middle which SHOULD be a bright red, so I'll have my old pink and white and a new tiny red. I was planning on putting in some shade loving bulbs in the holes I left but frankly, I had already spent 3 hours on this and my hand was sore. Because I had done all of this with a hand trowel. So I left it for a mother day and doused the newly buried bulbs in water. 

Then I did an AWESOME 1 hour yoga practice and Jason is bringing home Cookout. Yay!!!

Feeling better, we'll get to that later.

Love, B

H2O

So water. 

Have you ever cried in the shower? Have you ever thought about crying in the shower? Have you ever held a cry in until a shower?

Maybe because the tears mix into the spray and the steam and soap. It's almost invisible. It's almost as if you aren't crying at all. 

Maybe you've noticed that the water running into your mouth tastes salty. Maybe you feel the snot dripping down your nose. Maybe you see darkness from clenching your eyes shut from unbearable thoughts. Maybe you hear heart wrenching sobs wrack your body and you hold onto the shower wall for support.

Maybe you collapse on the floor and curl into a ball because the warmth of the shower is the only comfort you can comprehend.

Have you thought of this?

Have you been there?

I was there tonight and so many things were racing through my mind. Some prayers to god: please let me be prettier so people will think I am enough. Please let my family notice me. Please let my fiancé care more. Please let me accept myself. Please let me appreciate what I have. Please let my sister love me. Please let my father love me. Please let people see me. Please let people hear me. 

Some weak attempts at reconstructing myself so I can finish the shower. Which I promptly laugh off because I am not pretty enough. I am not nice enough. I am not smart enough. I am not generous enough. I am not worthy enough. I am not worthy. I am not enough.

Then I admit that at some point I will need to get out of the shower and face the darkness of my bedroom and sleep. So I sing.

A very shaky somewhere over the rainbow. Then a little stronger let it go. I end with wrecking ball. 

I finish bathing and get out and I still can't face the infinite thoughts of trying to go to bed. So here I am. Blogging in a steamy bathroom. Working up the courage to face my pillow.

Needless to say, the 10mg does not appear to be enough.