Day one: Meet me.

Last night, I decided that there weren't enough books out there from people that CONQUERED depression. So I will. write a book. (also conquer depression.) Both. 
I know. Pretty awesome.

So here's what I know.

1. I have depression.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Overeating or appetite loss
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts 

Thankfully, the only symptom to which I do not identify is suicidal thoughts.
At least I don't think I'm suicidal. The closest I ever come is questioning if anyone would notice my absence. Which truly is pretty messed up (I know this) but not exactly suicidal.

2. The symptoms that I feel the strongest are the feelings of guilt worthlessness and helplessness. Truly. I hate myself. I know I shouldn't (duh) but I have a dysfunctional sick brain. Acceptance. (I'm working on that)

3. There are plenty of reasons to love me, or so they say. If you were to ask me I would be hard pressed to answer for a few reasons:

  a. I have a deep seeded fear of being seen as overconfident, cocky, or full of myself etc.

  b. I question if anything I see in myself as positive is true, or just me being full of myself/lying to myself

  c. I find it challenging to look past the negatives, and see them as separate entities. 

4. (Some of) My family find it difficult to love me, and excessively difficult to like me. Which I'm 100% positive has a direct correlation to how difficult it is for ME to love/like myself. (another duh)

5. I have awesome people who DO love me. 

  a.My mom, I've known her as long as I can remember (lol!) and she is my best friend. We have so much fun together and we can always be so brutally honest with one another. I truly cherish her. 

  b. My fiance, We've been together for 6.5 years now, only recently engaged. We are technically high school sweethearts. We survived 4 years of long distance college romance. We have a dog and bought a house. He is my rock, my savior, my protector & my onetruesoulmatelove.

  c. My two best friends. One is my twin, the other is the ying to my yang. Between the 3 of us we share so much in common, yet we have such different relationships between us. We compliment each other and complete one another. My soundboards. 

****GOD I LOVE THESE PEOPLE SO MUCH.****

6. This is going to be very difficult. I am very scared. But not only CAN I do this (I can do anything) but I need to do this. Simply, need. So I will get help, a therapist. But I really think this writing will help. I also really truly hope this will help someone else that hates themselves as much as I myself. (I hope I'm not the only one.)

So, hey, I'm Brooke. I have depression. I will beat it. I will find my sunshine amid a brainstorm of thunder-thoughts.